Monday, October 17, 2011

Angel Wings

I sure am missing my sweet baby, Jaxon.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of him, but for what ever reason there are days when no matter how many kisses I give my other children or no matter how many other ways I try to fill that's something that I can't shake.  I suppose it's days like today that maybe he has me on his mind too! 

I made a picture that I wanted to share.  I don't have very many pictures of him, so I'm sure it's one you have already seen.  I want to show you and REMIND you how beautiful my son was. 

"There is a place in your heart where angels know.  Where the love for you child begins to grow.  And they sing at the joy of that tender growth.  Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah.....though there is much to see, through new little eyes, when they start to close, soft weary a cradle of wings, the little one lies and the angels hallelujah, hush to lullabies.  And the angels, hallelujah hush to lullabies.  There is a place in your heart that you realize that the love for your child will forever abide, it's the cradle of wings where your little one lies where the angels, hallelujah, hush to lullabies.  Lullaby little darling, lullaby.  Lullaby my sweet darling lullaby. "

I can't wait for the moment I can have you back in my arms.  I love you from the absolute bottom of my soul.  Love,  Mommy

Monday, October 10, 2011

Memory Walk

This past Saturday we held our third annual "remembering our children" walk. I personally think that every year just gets better. We had a bake sale, and I had never seen so many baked goods in all my life. A HUGE thank you to those that donated your time and ingredients to help make the bake sale go smooth.

We also had a silent auction. There were some really neat donated things. One basket was so large that it had to be broke into two. (Courtney please tell them thank you). We had scentsy baskets, movie baskets, ditch witch toy and hat, a beautiful quilt, game day basket and many others. Thank you so much for your donations!

I truly am filled with so much gratitude for those that help make this possible. I got to hear about Sicily Zeke, she was 4 and went to be with the Lord last year. I got to meet Aubrey's mommy and daddy. And can't wait till I get to meet Aubrey! Marissa Hofen blessed us by song. She had many in tears including myself.

Last year 7 baskets went home to grieving parents, because of your help they didn't leave the hospital with empty arms. I know that feeling all to well and would do anything in my power to keep some one else from going thru that.

Unfortunately, people lose children all year. If you aren't able to give a monetary donation, perhaps you can knit little hats or blankets. Or, maybe you can donate a picture frame or anything. We were able to raise over 1,000! This is wonderful!

Thank you all who attended!

Friday, April 22, 2011

Deck of cards

If I know you like I think I do (and I'm pretty certain I do), I can bet that you are tossing and turning tonight. You've told your self that if you aren't asleep in 5 more minutes then you are going to get up and do something. You can't feel sorry for yourself!

I have been where you are. Christmas, Birthdays, Easter, etc.. holidays that you should be excited about. "Do I know what it's like to stare at an empty stocking hung by the fireplace?", you asked. "What about when you fill your children's Easter baskets and buy triple of everything, only to realize the chocolate will melt on their grave, so before you make it to the checkout you turn around to take one of everything back. You walk quickly because you feel so dumb. And, then it happens...the check out lady asks, "oh, I can see your buying Easter goodies for your children?". You look at her with a deer in the headlight look, you act so guilty at that moment that she probably thinks you are stealing something. You say a quick prayer under your breath, "Lord, please don't allow the dreaded question co.....". Good grief, she doesn't even give you time to pray. "so how many kids and how old?", she asks.

I know you have thought about just saying one, two or maybe 3. You just don't want to make the cashier feel awkward so maybe you won't count your angel baby. I am embarrassed to say that one time I did this. I had someone ask me about 7 weeks after we lost our sweet boy, how many kids I had. I thought for a second, and replied, none! I thought that maybe this certain individual would feel bad or uncomfortable. I know they couldn't have felt anything like I did at that moment. I begged my baby to forgive me, I wasn't denying him. And, I promised to never ever do that again.

Tomorrow will be hard as you watch your child's age group giggle and run after the eggs. You will smile and pretend to be happy. You will go on with normal Easter activities this weekend. People will look at you and comment on your adorable children. You will not let it bother you when people say that they look just like your husband. Deep down, you know your angel would have looked just like you.

You see, we all have days like that. We have those days when you stand back and you realize how far you have actually come. You look at yourself with the upmost respect because you faced your deepest fear, and your alive. What you thought would kill you, didn't. But, we have those days where you are so very sorry for what happened, even though it was beyond your control. You will feel so empty and lost. You will feel bad for feeling so bad. Then, you will feel bad for not feeling bad. You don't want anyone to go through what you had to, but if someone could understand. And not just have that, I lost a child I understand, But that this was my first baby, everything was ok, why didn't doctors listen, I know something's wrong, make us wait 15+ minutes in the ER, carry an empty car seat out, drive home in silence, walk into his nursery, open up his closet, choose a burial outfit kind of empathy. Ok, I just had a moment. Truth is, I wouldn't want your "story" and you wouldn't want mine. I don't even want mine. (the sad chapters anyway)

To sum this up, I'll be there tomorrow. I'll pat you on the back when you get weak. I'll whisper, "I'm thinking of your angel today". You see,I know where you are, I know where you've been, what I don't know is where we are going. I know that without a choice we have been dealt these cards. I also know it gets easier but never easy. Just know that I know, like you know. I experienced the exact story. The exact pain. "how", you ask...I am you.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Where have you been?

It sure has been awhile since I blogged. Our laptop charger wasn't working and I didn't feel like "blogging" on an IPhone. I love to write and get some of the crazy thoughts out of my head. I am not a writer, just enjoy doing so. What I'm trying to say is simply this, I'll put a comma where I choose, I'll CAPITALIZE just because and I'll spell it like I want. This is it....enjoy!

My baby boy will be 8 months old in 2 weeks. How can this be? I must have went into a coma and when I awoke, which seems like a week later; in front of me sat a chubby little boy trying to army crawl. I never thought one of the loves of my life would be bawled, toothless and poop his pants. :)

My daughter, Jacey, is THREE! She starts preschool this fall and should be getting her driving permit. Oh wait...did I say three? I meant sixteen. She is sassy, tells it like it is, never sugar coats anything, bosses her brother, tries to pick her own bedtime etc. Every day with her never ceases to amaze me. She is probably one of the funniest people I know. Yeah, that's saying something because I'm pretty funny myself. :) She is wonderful and I love her spunk! She and Jagger are what drives me!

We talk about Jaxon and explain that he is with Jesus. She had a couple friends over and they saw his picture and asked her who he was. I thought about changing the subject or sweeping in to her rescue and bailing her out. Before I ever even had a chance she said with the upmost pride, " that's my bwutha Jaxon and he is in Heaben"! And, just as quickly as she said it, they were on to something else.

Jacey doesn't always like to wear bows and pink. Most times she says that she wants to be a boy. I hope it's a phase! Anyway, she was throwing a fit the other day about how she was not a girl. I finally said, "jacey, you will never be a boy because Jesus made you just the way you are, he made you a girl!". She looked me straight in the eyes and said, "mommy, Jaxon will make me a boy on saturday". Who knew that my sweet angel had more authority then God himself. :)

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Be Thankful!

I read this in an article and thought it was pretty much AWESOME! 

Be thankful if you have food on your plate, if you aren't constantly hungry, if you don't lick your lips whenever you spot your neighbor's Chihuahua.

Be thankful if you have an unlimited supply of water, if your plants don't have to be that thirsty, if your children don't have to be that dirty.

Be thankful if you enjoy freedom of speech, if you can write a book portraying the president as a horse's behind, if you don't have to extricate the book from yours.

Be thankful if you have freedom of worship, if you can attend a church, temple or mosque without any fear, if no one stones you when you wear your "Elvis is king" T-shirt.

Be thankful if you're smarter than the average teen, if you can find Oman, Sudan, Kenya and Samoa on a world map, if you don't think they're parts of speech, as in: "Oman, I'm Sudan tired! Kenya give me Samoa water?"

Be thankful if you have health insurance or free health care, if you can see a doctor anytime you wish, if your doctor isn't sitting in front of a web camera in Bangalore.

Be thankful if you don't face discrimination, if the country club doesn't reject you because of the color of your skin, if the attractive musician doesn't reject you because of the color of your teeth.

Be thankful if you have a loving family, if they accept you the way you are, if they're willing to forget the way you were.

Be thankful if you have no serious addictions, if you can survive an entire week without smoking, drinking or gambling, if you show no signs of withdrawal, not even when visiting the bank.

Be thankful if you have a decent job, if it comes with many benefits, if the boss touching you isn't one of them.

Be thankful if you have a roof over your head, if it's wide enough to cover your belongings, if it's long enough to cover your toes.

Be thankful if you have a means of transportation, if you can take your family anywhere they want, if you sometimes feel like a preacher, saving their soles.

Be thankful if you're able to help others, if you can afford to feed or educate a child, if you can do it without a court order.

Be thankful if you're a human being, if you're ready for Thanksgiving dinner, if you're sitting at the table, not on it.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Did I hear you say cupcake?

Most of you know that I joined weight watchers.  It came to the point that if one more person said, "I didn't know you were expecting again?" or "When is your baby due?", I might have just freaked punch them in the face.  In my defense, I did just have a baby 3 months ago.  Oh, and I had three kids in 3 years!  That is never good on a body.  I could go on and on about resons I am the *weigh* that I am.  =)  Truth is, I just got comfortable.  It's not that I am huge but I don't feel pretty anymore and that's a problem because I am GORGEOUS!

I realized it was time to do something different when I was driving home from Enid, one hand was on the steering wheel while the other held tightly to a chicken leg (crispy) from KFC.  A semi passed me and I waved my chicken leg at him.  WHAT!  Who does that!  I bet that had never happened to him before.  I wasn't sure if I should cry or laugh at what I had just done. 

So, last week was my first meeting.  I am not quite ready to put my starting weight for all of you to see, but I will at some point.  I am almost sure that the lady gasped when I got on the scales.  (For the record, this didn't happen) I sat through the meeting looking at all the people around me.  There was one that was , close to my age but she didn't talk, which means she hated me.  As for the rest, they were in the 70's and 80's.  Yep, as if my self esteem wasn't shattered enough due to the semi vs. chicken leg incident, I am the only 20 something in the world that has a weight issue and has joined weight watchers.

When Bryan pulled up last week and dropped me off, I was so nervous to go in.  He said, "have a good time and I'll be back."  I looked at him and said, "I feel like this is the first day of a new school....where is my damn back pack?"  We both just laughed.  I walked up to the door and hoped that no one would notice that I slipt in.  Yeah, right!  The stupid door was locked, I guess I went to the wrong one.  So, guess who had to bang on the glass door and flag the whole group over so that some one could unlock it?  Yep, ME!  Once I got in and looked around and saw all of the elder generation there, I asked, " this the weight watcher class?"  Yeah, pretty sure that when I go in there tonight they will glare me down. 

Anyway, stay tuned because tonight we will see if I have lost anything.  I am not sure how well I will do because my Aunt was ill and she passed away, but while waiting for her to get better I found the vending machine!  I know, there is another excuse.  And, let's face it...I have high anxiety and when I get stressed I eat.  There is a skinny girl inside me, but I can usual shut her up with a cupcake.  =(

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

First Blog

Hey Everyone!

This is my new blog.  Be sure and add it to one of your favorites!  I will share with you what's on my mind, stories about my kids, what's new in my family, retail therapy, recipes and something I have not wanted to weight loss journey.  I think it will help me stay accountable. 

I will make spelling errors, grammar errors and might possibly curse from time to time.  If you don't enjoy reading my blog, STOP!  It's that simple.

For those of you that enjoy it, come back!