Friday, April 22, 2011

Deck of cards

If I know you like I think I do (and I'm pretty certain I do), I can bet that you are tossing and turning tonight. You've told your self that if you aren't asleep in 5 more minutes then you are going to get up and do something. You can't feel sorry for yourself!

I have been where you are. Christmas, Birthdays, Easter, etc.. holidays that you should be excited about. "Do I know what it's like to stare at an empty stocking hung by the fireplace?", you asked. "What about when you fill your children's Easter baskets and buy triple of everything, only to realize the chocolate will melt on their grave, so before you make it to the checkout you turn around to take one of everything back. You walk quickly because you feel so dumb. And, then it happens...the check out lady asks, "oh, I can see your buying Easter goodies for your children?". You look at her with a deer in the headlight look, you act so guilty at that moment that she probably thinks you are stealing something. You say a quick prayer under your breath, "Lord, please don't allow the dreaded question co.....". Good grief, she doesn't even give you time to pray. "so how many kids and how old?", she asks.

I know you have thought about just saying one, two or maybe 3. You just don't want to make the cashier feel awkward so maybe you won't count your angel baby. I am embarrassed to say that one time I did this. I had someone ask me about 7 weeks after we lost our sweet boy, how many kids I had. I thought for a second, and replied, none! I thought that maybe this certain individual would feel bad or uncomfortable. I know they couldn't have felt anything like I did at that moment. I begged my baby to forgive me, I wasn't denying him. And, I promised to never ever do that again.

Tomorrow will be hard as you watch your child's age group giggle and run after the eggs. You will smile and pretend to be happy. You will go on with normal Easter activities this weekend. People will look at you and comment on your adorable children. You will not let it bother you when people say that they look just like your husband. Deep down, you know your angel would have looked just like you.

You see, we all have days like that. We have those days when you stand back and you realize how far you have actually come. You look at yourself with the upmost respect because you faced your deepest fear, and your alive. What you thought would kill you, didn't. But, we have those days where you are so very sorry for what happened, even though it was beyond your control. You will feel so empty and lost. You will feel bad for feeling so bad. Then, you will feel bad for not feeling bad. You don't want anyone to go through what you had to, but if someone could understand. And not just have that, I lost a child I understand, But that this was my first baby, everything was ok, why didn't doctors listen, I know something's wrong, make us wait 15+ minutes in the ER, carry an empty car seat out, drive home in silence, walk into his nursery, open up his closet, choose a burial outfit kind of empathy. Ok, I just had a moment. Truth is, I wouldn't want your "story" and you wouldn't want mine. I don't even want mine. (the sad chapters anyway)

To sum this up, I'll be there tomorrow. I'll pat you on the back when you get weak. I'll whisper, "I'm thinking of your angel today". You see,I know where you are, I know where you've been, what I don't know is where we are going. I know that without a choice we have been dealt these cards. I also know it gets easier but never easy. Just know that I know, like you know. I experienced the exact story. The exact pain. "how", you ask...I am you.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Where have you been?

It sure has been awhile since I blogged. Our laptop charger wasn't working and I didn't feel like "blogging" on an IPhone. I love to write and get some of the crazy thoughts out of my head. I am not a writer, just enjoy doing so. What I'm trying to say is simply this, I'll put a comma where I choose, I'll CAPITALIZE just because and I'll spell it like I want. This is it....enjoy!

My baby boy will be 8 months old in 2 weeks. How can this be? I must have went into a coma and when I awoke, which seems like a week later; in front of me sat a chubby little boy trying to army crawl. I never thought one of the loves of my life would be bawled, toothless and poop his pants. :)

My daughter, Jacey, is THREE! She starts preschool this fall and should be getting her driving permit. Oh wait...did I say three? I meant sixteen. She is sassy, tells it like it is, never sugar coats anything, bosses her brother, tries to pick her own bedtime etc. Every day with her never ceases to amaze me. She is probably one of the funniest people I know. Yeah, that's saying something because I'm pretty funny myself. :) She is wonderful and I love her spunk! She and Jagger are what drives me!

We talk about Jaxon and explain that he is with Jesus. She had a couple friends over and they saw his picture and asked her who he was. I thought about changing the subject or sweeping in to her rescue and bailing her out. Before I ever even had a chance she said with the upmost pride, " that's my bwutha Jaxon and he is in Heaben"! And, just as quickly as she said it, they were on to something else.

Jacey doesn't always like to wear bows and pink. Most times she says that she wants to be a boy. I hope it's a phase! Anyway, she was throwing a fit the other day about how she was not a girl. I finally said, "jacey, you will never be a boy because Jesus made you just the way you are, he made you a girl!". She looked me straight in the eyes and said, "mommy, Jaxon will make me a boy on saturday". Who knew that my sweet angel had more authority then God himself. :)